Family Culture – what is it and why does it matter?

Culture is a word used widely to define us and where we belong. A definition is a set of beliefs, values, habits, choices, behaviours and traditions that a group of people share and identify with. For example, the British are known as a culture who like to queue, and so when we find ourselves in a queue it can make us feel like we positively belong, thinking “look at me in a queue with all these other people who are also queuing – these are my type of people”. It can apply to any group of people, not necessarily a nation or race, but the need to belong is a fundamental part of being human. Human beings evolved to want to live in a tribe as we couldn’t survive on our own back in prehistoric times (or now!), and so this way to identify where we belong, and the positive feelings we have for belonging are to help us want to fit in and be part of our group.

So, what does this have to do with my family?

As well as our wider culture, we also have a culture within our family. This informs our children how to behave, what to like or dislike, the sorts of things we do. It is really important as it creates a sense of belonging and identity vital for a secure and positive sense of self. However, the culture we create for our family usually comes about incrementally, incidentally, and unintentionally so might not quite be as we aspire to, and can cause quite a lot of internal conflict if the culture we find ourselves in and our personal values and views don’t align.

How can I work out my family culture?

Try using the sentence “my family is the sort of family who likes to......” and answer it truthfully. Are you the sort of family who is scared of spiders, likes watching films together, reads a lot of books, gets anxious about new places, likes to try new foods, plays board games, enjoys sports (playing and/or watching), works hard at school and prioritises academic achievements, likes to win, views challenging times as exciting or dangerous, watches Its a Wonderful Life every Christmas? Every family will be different, and will have some specific activities and traditions, but also some underlying general themes. And we as parents will create and instil what the general and specific look like for our family by how we act and what we say. It can be a bit of a mishmash depending on how different the cultures that the parents come from are too. I’m from a big family, and my husband was an only child so our ideas of what family time looks like can definitely be at odds and so are something we’ve had to talk about and think about together.

Its really worth stopping, and just spending some time noticing what we say about our family and the world.

What do we enjoy, not enjoy, avoid, prioritise?

Do we talk about books and learning as things of joy or a chore?

Is being physically active part of what we do every day or a reluctantly scheduled activity?

Are muddy hands and clothes just creating work for parents or to be expected with kids?

Are we anxious about what might happen if we try something new, or excited about the opportunity?

Are we a family who watches TV together or on separate devices? What do we watch?

Is what we and others think we look like in a swimming costume more important than playing around freely on the beach?

Do we like having lots of people round and / or being the hosts or do we prefer time just with our household?

Do we try to identify what might go wrong before we even start, or dream about the possibilities of what we could achieve?

And so on and so on and so on…………...

We cannot create a culture utterly at odds with who we are without enormous mental load, but we can nudge it in the direction we would like it – through the words we say and the things we do. And as these are values and beliefs likely stay with our children through our life, it must be worth stopping periodically and just paying it a little attention.

Try noticing some different ways you can finish the sentence “we are a family who....” over the next few days, and also for some other families you know. If you like what you see, great 👍 and if you realise it’s not quite what you would choose, it’s never too late to make changes. Just being aware of your family culture is a great start.